The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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