Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
