i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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