You made me cry and you don't even care
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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