1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
