You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
