Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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