it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize