Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
