It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
