her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Randomize
