The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Randomize
