Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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