I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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