Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
