My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
we're making bets on your personal life
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
