i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
