He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
