i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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