So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
