yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Randomize
