I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
