Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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