she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
