Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
