I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
