i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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