Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
