Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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