maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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