just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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