I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
