the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Randomize
