Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize