margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
