Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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