im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I intend to get homeless drunk
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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