Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
