just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Randomize