I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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