Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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