i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
