just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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