she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
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