Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
Randomize
