What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
