Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
