evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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