i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Randomize
