I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
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