U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
sarcasm needs its own font
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
