I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize