I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
My butt remains clenched, sir.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
