Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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