I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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