wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
