My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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