Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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