dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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