remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
