So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize