ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
