Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize