That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
