let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
