I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
