I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
