You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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