i wish there were pregnant emoticons
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
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